Sunflower, Sentimentality, the Sea.
I recently turned forty-five. Holy shit, I just said that out loud. It’s a little surreal to be honest. On the inside, I still feel like a small child with the world at her feet, albeit with a ton of experience under her belt. A polished, well worn stone with fewer rough edges.
I was fortunate enough to spend my birthday with family in a coastal cottage in Washington State. Much of the weekend was pure indulgence. We ate, drank a lot of wine and laughed so hard I had side stitches. My nephew has a huge comedic heart and never fails to make me smile. He’s a son to me. We all seemed to fit with an effortlessness that warms me. From teasing us about wiping his son’s ass to a dunk in frigid waters, my family feels like my soft collection of cherished blankets.
I’ve never been one for Holidays, Birthdays or Special occasions except as an excuse to do something unique or cross off an item on my bucket list. I try to use these events to create magic in the lives of my children and loved ones. As for myself, I’m purveyor of experiences. I’m passionate about helping other people create them and enjoying the by products. The role of matriarch and giver has always been a place of comfort to me as my mother sacrificed so much for those she loved. It’s a learned trait and my default skin. (My family has been playing a lot of Fornite lately.)
I remember being six when I fully understood the totality of death. Ever since that day I’m acutely aware of the passage of time, who I spend it with and what I choose to do with it. We don’t get a second chance to experience what life has to offer, so like a warrior you must meet everything that life brings you. Feel the pain, lick your wounds, open your heart to the world as many times as it crushes you. Live and breathe in this space. Love fiercely and be loyal as fuck. Fight for your territory. Do not suffer people who do not have your best interests at heart.
Looking back at the span of own my life I find a rhythm to the seasons of it and a commonality with mankind. Your youth is for passionate debauchery, failures and building a foundation for the paths to take later in life. Whether you follow society’s dictated curriculum or challenge the status quo, it’s all about learning. It all comes full circle.
“The only thing I know, is that I know nothing.”- Socrates
The older I get and more of the world I see, this adage resonates with me deeply. There is so much to experience in this life, so much nuance and subtlety to be observed. Understanding and recognizing the finer details helps me to step back and look at the bigger picture. You are never the sum of your parts but even the tiniest parts are needed to architect larger schemes. With age, silence and solitude among loved ones is nourishment. This is the experience I crave the most. The beach house where we stayed had it in spades.
I’ve never been an envious person. Its just not in my code, but there was a man on a catamaran who docked close to our rental cottage who had me a tiny bit green. He paddled boarded to some undisclosed destination down the shoreline and then a day and half later paddle boarded back to his boat and sailed off into the distance. He piqued my curiosity as I sat on the beach watching him like a voyeur while a seal pup flirted close to the shore. I’ve been blessed with the gift of supportive friends and family who are rock solid dependable and I would never take them for granted but his solitude made me want to trade places with him for a short while. It’s something we don’t do anymore, be solitary and silent.
I also played the game of “finish their story” in my head. Perhaps he was there for some epic romantic tryst, some fleeting glimpse of love to be found in the heat of bonfires on the beach. I used to be a young sentimental fool…now I’m just an older sentimental fool. Who doesn’t fall for a great love story? It may have been reading wartime love letters at a boutique kitchen shop that offered wine, charcuterie and delicious peach sangria. “Dear Princess” they began…you can imagine the rest.
Most people have a collection of memories they store in their treasure box. These recollections are like precious stones more valuable than any jewelry I could ever own. Some are evenings, moments of profound joy, awareness or electric connections. Epiphanies about the meaning of life and love or how to solve ‘that’ thermal dynamics problem while eating a peanut butter sandwich. These memories stick with you and make life a celebration. We cannot live here all of the time. Monotony is a necessary part of life but magic is always lurking mischievously around the corner to be found.
Every once in awhile you get a lazy Sunday or a couple of seamless, tranquil, gorgeous days. My Birthday was filled with watching my family smile, laugh, and eat tender off the bones ribs. The way to my heart is food, music, poetry and laughter. I was fortunate to bask in young love, board games, fireworks randomly set off in August and the laughter of children. Watching my nephew, his fiance and son reminded me of when he was a small child and I would take him to the beach. The desire to protect him was so potent. Watching him become a man in every sense of the word, through the trials and tribulations he’s faced, brings tears of happiness to my eyes. I see so much of him in his boy and my own and I see my father in all of them.A ghost that will haunt and protect me all my life. They all have a generosity of spirit you don’t often come across.
As a child I was lucky enough to have a lot of relatives nearby. We hosted or were hosted by family almost every weekend and I never fully understood the value of that until recently. Watching three generations of men in my family tenderly interact made my heart spill over in gratitude. A family in the truest sense.
We’ve established a tradition over the last year of enjoying edibles, drinking wine and attempting to outwit each other playing Cards against Humanity and variations on theme. It’s a tradition I look forward to continuing this Christmas over cookies and hot chocolate. If you haven’t tried the board game I highly recommend it. Potty humor and Bukkake are the stuff that Birthdays are made of. (Someone had to explain it to me and I still whisper it into my husband’s ear randomly to make myself giggle. The Japanese have a way of making pornographic acts sound elegant.)
The newest addition to my dream soundtrack is Post Malone’s Sunflower. There is such a sweet first love innocence to it. I also have a confession. These posts feel more and more like journal entries documenting my quest for my unicorn whatever, wherever that maybe. Thanks for sharing that ride.
Go forth, break bread: I don’t think I’ll ever purchase hummus from a store again. Its so easy and delicious!
